Day 3 – Survivors

Seasons are changing and rather inconsistently so. In the last few weeks, we’ve had a mix of really cold days with spikes of random warm days. My body obviously doesn’t react to the weather in the way my mind does. I am on the verge of a flu, and my shoulders and neck are strained. I feel frustrated and not in control. Also, early sunsets are not my favourite thing.

Is this just physical strain?

Along with the season and daylight, something else shifted in me. My mind hasn’t been processing the external pressures the way it should, and that has put me on edge. I procrastinate and overthink instead of acting on people and situations that need my attention. It’s like I am holding on to this heavy pile of issues to be addressed that are somehow never ending. The tighter I hold on, the stronger I feel the pain in my body. To think it is an imaginary pile of stuff?

The world doesn’t pressurise us, we do that to ourselves. We assume a list of responsibilities and priorities to validate our existence. Everyone needs that manual to live and get ahead, but is that all there is? A rule book governed by stress, anxiety, pain, anger, jealousy, competition…deadlines? We are taught to be mindful, not just of others and our surroundings, but of ourselves. How do you do that when you’re at constant war with great expectations?

How do we survive?

I don’t have the answers. I don’t know the path that leads to the light beyond the tunnel. But I am willing to look; I need to look. Hell, some days I feel the pressure of being mindful and more aware.

If I have to be honest and say it aloud — I am holding on to the past and constantly comparing it to my present. I keep walking backwards to look for answers instead of letting go and living in the now. The truth is, the past is known to me. I know how it turns out and I know how it could with a do-over or alternate path. But is that the way to move forward? With every corner and situation, I keep looking back for comfort instead of answers. I keep looking back for love and companionship, when I should be moving forward. I keep looking back.

The future is wild, and the wild is unknown. But we are survivors.

When you move to a new place with no friends and no comfort city hideouts, you learn to trust more. Ironic, yes, but true. Given the circumstances, you have to trust or you will always have this wall bringing you down. That is how I made friends when I moved to Australia. One was on a 15-hour long flight. With some, we became friends before we met (shoutout to technology and common interests). With some, it was heartbreak and missing home. We let down our guard and let each other in (on a lot). Even in the unknown, there was some unknown force that strung is together.

You might wonder the relevance to my situation. Well, this one time, I didn’t look back. Instead, I embraced my present. We all moved into the wild, alone. It has been a struggle for all of us in our own time. I don’t yet have the strength to deal with most situations but we share our everyday circumstances — the good, bad and ugly and we come through. We share it with no filters and find repose in helping and dealing with each other’s concerns.

How do we survive?

I still don’t have the answers. What I do have is help. We can’t solve each other’s problems and we don’t always have the answers. What we do well, however, is we endure the wilderness. We cry, we laugh, we admit to our weaknesses (even the darkest demons). Together, we look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

What I do have is you, here in this moment listening to me. As I am typing this, I still feel that discomfort and pain in my mind and body. What I also feel is release and freedom from yet another dark thought because I could share it without any judgment, justification or need for validation. Soon, I will address the elephants in the room and check off that list that has my name on it.

We catch each other’s shooting stars and broken parts. We are survivors.

Just like me, finding my answers and ground, I hope you do too.

Today’s tune – Survivors by Selena Gomez.

Day 3 – 6 May 2017.
363 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

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