Day 31 – Alive

Heartbreak can be as liberating as it is painful. For the most part, I am okay because I have been distracted. It gets tough when I am alone and staring at silence storm its fist at me. It get though when my thought drift towards what could be and what isn’t. It is tough but for the most part I am okay.

Anagha called me this morning to check on how I was doing. Almost instantaneously, I responded saying, “I’m alive”. I had no definitive answer if that were a good or bad thing. Because I don’t feel good or bad anymore, I feel numb. I feel alive only because that is how I am tuned to feel and be. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and pierced, again and again because I let it.

When I said that to her, she asked me if it was a good thing. And I said, “Well, at least I’m not not alive.” Obviously, the next few seconds were about not joking about dear life for dear life. So in the end, I suppose it was good? She said it was so it must be true?

Why couldn’t human beings come with factory resets? Why couldn’t I come with a factory-fucking-reset?

The word still hangs in there after our conversation and the more I focus on that feeling, the stronger I feel its grip around me. It’s suffocating. I hug myself because that is the closest I can get to physical comfort and curve into a ball but soon shake that feeling off.

I’m still breathing
I’m still breathing
I’m alive

Today’s tune: Alive by Sia.

Day 31 – 3 June 2017.
335 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

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