Day 36 – (not so) small wonders

I hate that I sound like a nag on loop but bear with me. I can’t remember the last time I slept without worrying about the next day or the day before. Or since I walked out with no map or agenda for the day. It has been a while since I really laughed. It’s really been a while!

Despite this and being away from the comfort of home, for all the days that I’ve felt worn and torn, I am grateful for all those calls, hugs and affirmations. All the days that I didn’t want to get out of bed or dragged myself from work to school and home, I am grateful for those companions who’ve shown so much love and understanding. Thank you for bearing with my lack of enthusiasm and poor communication.

It has been a while since I’ve had some good things going. More to do with how I feel mentally than the physical evidence of things going well. Yes, there is a lot to be grateful for but it’s difficult when you mind gives up on you. It’s difficult when you often see the darkness of the tunnel instead of the ray of light at the end of it. Tonight, however, does feel good knowing that I’m surrounded by the kind of family that isn’t bound by blood alone but by choice too.

Oh life, thank you for your small wonders.

Today’s tune: Sham – Aisha Soundtrack.

Day 36 – 20 September 2017.
330 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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Day 30 – Turn the page

It’s been a month since my 365 project with 11 more to go. It has been bittersweet so far for so many reasons. What is mostly liberating can also sometimes limit you. I hoped that this would help me grow, and it has. But some days, like today, it feels like an obligation. It feels like something I have to do rather than what I want to do. I don’t want it to become that.

As if the Universe heard and felt me ready to back down, these lyrics spoke to me in the background of my ride back home.

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

So, in the months to come, I won’t think hard. I will share what’s in my heart and mind, and be transparent with you. I will make it a reflection after my own. Bear and be with me?

Today’s tune: Brave by Sara Bareilles.

Day 30 – 2 June 2017.
336 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 29 – I’m yelling Tinder

I get rebellious every now and then, and download Tinder. I suppose it’s my way to getting back to the person who hurt me and letting them know that I could move on too. Who am I kidding? (but that’s besides the point)

The last two times I used Tinder, I was surprised with a few matches but none that ever led to a conversation. A lot of these guys seemed really good but not hearing from them crushes the little self-confidence you have left in you. Worse still, most of my other friends who used Tinder seemed to find dates, even if not a companion, and move on. What was happening here? Was I not good enough? I had my brave moments and even messaged some but I was left staring at my own message over and over (World 1 Chriselle 0). I would feel pathetic, and cry and complain over never hearing back from people. Being rejected by strangers suddenly felt so much worse. What do they know? Eventually it made me feel more bitter. I deleted Tinder and swore never to download it again, that was until the next time I felt alone and vulnerable and wanted a partner to talk to.

Distractions, Anagha said, you need distractions.

It is my lunch break at work and my mind keeps drifting to the boy. I open Google Play Store and at the risk of facing more rejection, I download Tinder again. I think it couldn’t get any worse than I already feel. And this anger might be better than the way I’m pining for someone I can’t have. So I set up my profile, and paste this description I had previously written and we’re ready go. I pick out pictures that I’m told look nice; not too much but just enough. I pick out my Spotify anthem and John Mayer is strumming the strings on his guitar in my ears, and I’m thinking, “Let’s go to wonderland“.

Swipe left.
Swipe left.
Swipe left.
Swipe right.

This goes on for a while and suddenly there’s a flame flashing in my notification bar. I got super liked (Heart 1 World 0). And it happened again. And for the first time in my otherwise failed attempts on Tinder, there is a message and I am beyond excited. Suddenly, all is forgotten because I feel confident and liked? I’m not sure why but I feel validated. I felt better the next day because I started swiping yes for people I thought were out of my league (something I never did before), and I was matched yes again (self-esteem 8503804803843, anxiety 0).

My close guy friends always mocked me being on Tinder because it isn’t meant to be an app for something other than a hookup. But I know of friends who have found love. Sure, the chances are one in a million or two, but it’s possible. Right? When I first joined Tinder, it was a distraction and to fill a void. That makes me a horrible person but I have to honest – that’s what it was. So imagine my excitement when someone is actually interested in having a conversation about me and about him, and the things that matter. It shifted something in me. I don’t see us turning into something just yet but knowing that I could have a conversation with someone other than boys from my past that I have been holding on to for years made me feel really really good.

There will always be a guy like you out there. Today, maybe not, but maybe someday you will find your match. On Tinder or not, just believe.

I don’t want to be just an option for people to swipe yes or no to. But being wanted felt bloody damn good, and no, it’s not the solution but it feels like a step towards finding one.

You want love?
We’ll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets

Today’s tune: Your Body Is A Wonderland by John Mayer.

Day 29 – 1 June 2017.
337 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 28 – Alive

Heartbreak can be as liberating as it is painful. For the most part, I am okay because I have been distracted. It gets tough when I am alone and staring at silence storm its fist at me. It get though when my thought drift towards what could be and what isn’t. It is tough but for the most part I am okay. Continue reading “Day 28 – Alive”

Day 27 – I booked my first solo trip

My hands are still trembling from doing the exact opposite of what I intended to do. I booked my first solo trip for a week in Tasmania. OH-MY-GOD, YES, I DID! WHAT WAS I THINKING? Continue reading “Day 27 – I booked my first solo trip”

Day 26 – I just wanna feel real love

I am trying so hard to forget instead all I do is remember. I feel like I am surrounded by darkness because I am focusing too much on the light. I am staring at the problem but with no attention to the remedy. I am not coping well, I am trying to shape a fate that is already twisted and set in stone.

Help me move forward, help me let go. Help me get out of darkness and into the light. Help me feel light.

I just wanna feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste

Today’s tune: Feel by Robbie Williams.

Day 26 – 29 May 2017.
340 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 22 – I should have known better but…

I should have known better than to chase something that seemed like a fantasy, but I wandered into the choppy waters anyway, unprepared. I sought something I thought I deserved but in truth, it wasn’t mine to begin with.

Love is like the wind and you’re the sailor trying to find your shore. Like the wind, it gives you direction but it may not always to the right destination.

I have always been one to follow my heart and instinct with people because sometimes you just know. You just know know in that moment that you want to pursue someone and that they could complete you. You know that you’re willing to be vulnerable (and I am rarely willing to be vulnerable). The problem with that though is that you are also risking everything that once was for something you think might exist in the future – a risk that could end in (at least) two ways. One that could make you happy and the other other that will strip you of every emotion you once felt.

I should’ve listened to the part of me that screamed no but I chose to take the risk anyway. Sometimes those voices in your head screaming all the reasons of doubt can save you from yourself. I should have listened!

In trying to keep myself occupied, my mind kept drifting to a place of unresolved issues, so I started typing.

it started two months ago
our relationship began to crumble
I kept shelving the discomfort
but now I see it unravel

you’re tearing me to pieces
you’re driving me insane
you tell me you love me
but give me darkness instead

you want her heart
but crave my body
you say I make your heart race
but won’t come out and call me

I thought we shared our souls
maybe it was just me
all those hours of laughter and tears
was that just heat?

it’s been a year and you’ve said nothing
you tell me you can’t choose
you don’t know how
though I see you drifting loose

you say it’s all in my head
you say I got here on my own
I’m wrapped up in a dark fantasy
chasing pavements and your heart of stone

so here we are
torn apart
hiding in the shadows of our guilt
holding on to our past

is this guilt
was it a mistake?
this lust turned to love
how do I make it go away?

where is this love you professed?
where is the castle your promised to build?
were we ever okay to begin with?
will you hold me, still?

it’s not your fault
it’s not mine either
it’s just this heart
that’s grown weaker

I wish I made you happy
I wish you could choose me
maybe in another lifetime
our forever could be

truth is, I loved you then
I love you now
and if you ever come knocking
I will love you again, every minute of every hour

Today’s tune: Justin Bieber (Acoustic Set) – BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge.

Day 22 – 25 May 2017.
344 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 21 – You could be nice

This morning, I was greeted by a rather rushed and grumpy bus driver. He lacked courtesy and respect. He drove like he was running out of time and almost hurt the only two passengers who got on the bus. I wouldn’t discredit the otherwise warm and welcoming bus drivers who make early morning rides bearable. Some days, their kindness even adds a bounce to your day subconsciously. This guy on the other hand, couldn’t care less about who he hurt with his road and world rage.

Maybe he had a bad morning or maybe he was a grumpy person. But days like these remind me how even strangers can affect you so deeply. It also got me thinking about how we all have this unsaid duty towards the world and people around us. Watching people have a good time, in love, being chatty or happy changes the way I feel. Often during my bus rides, I find myself randomly smiling at a stranger and it’s this fuzzy warm feeling that takes over me that I’ve grown to like. It’s just a way of people of everywhere sharing their stories and lives with you through their conversations or deeds. The kind you love and need too.

So maybe be nice because you could save someone from having a bad day?

Today’s tune: Bad Day by Daniel Powter.

Day 21 – 24 May 2017.
345 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 19 – Soulful stories

We all have a rehearsed set of lines similar to our Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn bios. These are usually simple yet exciting enough, witty but safe. It is the story you know people want to hear even if it is not yours to tell. It is a story of our past achievements, our future aspirations, our talents and outward appearances. It is a story meant for the file.

Are you your hobbies or your values?

This morning, mum and I were talking about people judging each other based on what they see or read on social media. It is most often the first point of contact, and if it doesn’t match one’s expectations, it could be the last. She suggested that maybe I should tone down my blog posts and not get too personal on such a public platform. That I was giving away too much information, the kind that may not be appreciated. A few years ago, I would worry. I would worry about who read what I wrote and filter my audience due of the fear of being judged. Today, I have grown to be comfortable with myself. Today, I want my story to be heard. So my argument back was why not let people know what makes me the person I am, rather than letting them see what they think they know. Or for those who didn’t know me, why ruin the first impression? I was confident of being true to my values and I see no wrong in sharing that with the world.

I guess our real stories are most pure and beautiful because they are uncensored and vulnerable. These are stories about our journey to what got us to this point. It is the story in which we bear our souls and talk about who we are beneath the layers on display. It is the story that extends beyond our comfort zone and leaves us raw and exposed. It is intense but it is honest, and it is out there for someone to love or leave you. So why isn’t it okay to share? Why are we wired to put out something we’re not?

I have heard some of the most inspiring stories from friends who might seem to have it all together but have struggled to get where they are today. It isn’t easy but they shared their stories with me anyway. They opened their doors and exposed their lives. Listening to them, in that moment, was magical and pure. It was when I fell in love with them because I got to know these friends for who they really were and not just what they wanted the rest of the world to see. It was magical because I could see myself in them. When I heard their honest soul-bearing stories, I knew that I had to have them in my life forever. How else do you know whether or not you might like someone?

This 365 project is my story and it is 365 shades of honesty. Occasionally, it is also my (many) shades of complication. What is your story?

Today’s tune: Fresh Eyes by Andy Grammer.

Day 19 – 22 May 2017.
347 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 18 – I want to vent but…

Most of my conflicts are resolved with compromise from my end rather than confrontation. I can’t always hold up the mirror when we hit rough patches and that leads to things never being resolved. I can’t always be vulnerable because I would rather be in control.

Last night, I needed to vent about someone because things just weren’t falling into place (yes, just another one of my flaws, I know). I needed someone to hear my side and frustration before I caved in. I thought of different scenarios in which I could approach this person but the fear of conflict and hurting them stopped me from doing it. Thank God for best friends who know and understand your weaknesses (with no harm intended) and are willing to listen.

I sat on the fence (again).

My venting or rather the need for it obviously got to my best friend this time. I do this thing where I talk about the person, defend them, talk about the problem again, but go on with it anyway. So this was round two of the same problem and he wasn’t willing to listen. Apparently, I didn’t deserve the attention because I hadn’t done anything to improve the situation since we last spoke. According to him, I was being ridiculous and simply venting (again). Not being able to talk to him about this nagging feeling got me even more restless. But in the middle of our own little fight, he did raise a good point. He said maybe what you share with her might help her rather than upset her. Maybe it would help me too.

I feel really guilty for talking about this friend. But not being able to talk to her leads me to talk about her in the hope that I may find some solution. I feel it might help me understand her better. Does that make me a bad friend? It doesn’t make me the best but is it the worst? I suddenly feel hollow and childish for not untying the knots in our relationship.

What if I say too much or not enough? What if I say what they don’t want to hear?

We worry too much about the future of our relationships and often overlook the fact that it might already be rotting in the present. You can’t always sit on the rock in the middle of nowhere waiting for someone to save you. Sometimes you have to face your fears and swim across the rough waters to reach the shore. Just like that, you can’t always vent about a problem and allow it to fix itself. You have to be the one to fix it.

I choose to swim.

(and I have my best friend to thank for it)

Today’s tune: Riptide by Vance Joy.

Day 18 – 21 May 2017.
348 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.