Day 32 – I’m back (barely)

ryan-moreno-99464

When this project turned a month old, I promised myself to not worry about filters or what others thought. Let’s be honest, obviously that was an empty promise. I haven’t written since. Not because I didn’t want to but because this because this felt and became obligatory. This became something I was not. The same trickled down to my art too. I haven’t drawn in months and it hurts. You cannot imagine how much it hurts but I hate that what I love (used to anyway) seems like a task instead of a hobby.

These may seem like excuses but they’re really not. They are daily battles and I am at the losing end.

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out

These past couple months have been draining in so many ways. My biggest source of exhaustion has been me, myself and I. Yet, despite the exhaustion I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere. Nowhere with work, nowhere with school, nowhere with life. This should scare right? It should at least worry me? Instead I’ve gotten comfortable with doing nothing. I have become complacent. I am tired most days and nights, and wake up with no will whatsoever. And while I’ve always loved my alone time, this time round, it isn’t as pleasant. Not at all.

Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down

Am I running away from responsibility and hiding beneath this whole pile of excuses? Am I using it as a defense mechanism against all expectations from self and others?

Having said that, a lot has happened in the last few months. I moved to a new home, I got a new job, I started a new semester at school. All this seems and sounds really overwhelming. And now, it feels really overwhelming too. The time that I get to myself, which is mostly nights wrapped in exhaustion and anxiety, is all I have. I have also started seeing a counsellor because I suddenly feel like I need to be diagnosed. It’s strange, this need for diagnosis, because you want to believe something is wrong with you irrespective of reality. I’m scared genes I thought were suppressed may suddenly take over my life.

It messed me up, need a second to breathe

I am sick and I am tired and I cannot wait for this phase to end. And like you’re going to tell me and like I already know, this won’t just end unless I do something about it. Here’s what I have been struggling with – how?

You will know how Chriselle, you just have to take that first step and be open to change. After all…you only live once, carpe damn diem, zindagi na milegi dobara, you’re the captain of your own ship, affirmation after affirmation, yada yada.

how???

Just keep coming around

Today’s tune: Whataya Want from Me by Adam Lambert.

Day 32 – 16 September 2017.
334 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Ryan Moreno on Unsplash

Advertisements

Day 22 – I should have known better but…

I should have known better than to chase something that seemed like a fantasy, but I wandered into the choppy waters anyway, unprepared. I sought something I thought I deserved but in truth, it wasn’t mine to begin with.

Love is like the wind and you’re the sailor trying to find your shore. Like the wind, it gives you direction but it may not always to the right destination.

I have always been one to follow my heart and instinct with people because sometimes you just know. You just know know in that moment that you want to pursue someone and that they could complete you. You know that you’re willing to be vulnerable (and I am rarely willing to be vulnerable). The problem with that though is that you are also risking everything that once was for something you think might exist in the future – a risk that could end in (at least) two ways. One that could make you happy and the other other that will strip you of every emotion you once felt.

I should’ve listened to the part of me that screamed no but I chose to take the risk anyway. Sometimes those voices in your head screaming all the reasons of doubt can save you from yourself. I should have listened!

In trying to keep myself occupied, my mind kept drifting to a place of unresolved issues, so I started typing.

it started two months ago
our relationship began to crumble
I kept shelving the discomfort
but now I see it unravel

you’re tearing me to pieces
you’re driving me insane
you tell me you love me
but give me darkness instead

you want her heart
but crave my body
you say I make your heart race
but won’t come out and call me

I thought we shared our souls
maybe it was just me
all those hours of laughter and tears
was that just heat?

it’s been a year and you’ve said nothing
you tell me you can’t choose
you don’t know how
though I see you drifting loose

you say it’s all in my head
you say I got here on my own
I’m wrapped up in a dark fantasy
chasing pavements and your heart of stone

so here we are
torn apart
hiding in the shadows of our guilt
holding on to our past

is this guilt
was it a mistake?
this lust turned to love
how do I make it go away?

where is this love you professed?
where is the castle your promised to build?
were we ever okay to begin with?
will you hold me, still?

it’s not your fault
it’s not mine either
it’s just this heart
that’s grown weaker

I wish I made you happy
I wish you could choose me
maybe in another lifetime
our forever could be

truth is, I loved you then
I love you now
and if you ever come knocking
I will love you again, every minute of every hour

Today’s tune: Justin Bieber (Acoustic Set) – BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge.

Day 22 – 25 May 2017.
344 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 10 – Motherhood I

Tomorrow we all celebrate Mother’s Day to honour that constant force that has been with us since our first heartbeat. What is motherhood to you? For me, motherhood isn’t just a relationship between a mother and her child. It is a way of life, sometimes beyond bloodlines.

This is a series to honour the women that have been an influence in my life. To the women that have taught me how to live, love and laugh.

Part I: Nana Noronha aka Peggy

Mother of six (and two dogs), grandmother of eleven. She was a woman of steel. As the eldest granddaughter, I was lucky to have spent my childhood with her.

Her day always started with mass and a walk around the block. Followed by a trip to the local market, negotiating with the fisher mongers and showering the stray dogs with love (and Parle-G). She powdered daily and wore her dresses without a crease. Her shoulders always sharp and straight, she was always full of energy. She loved to cook but loved to feed us even more. She made a mean Eggflip and her Goan curries were to die for. Her Christmas cake was a family tradition that started months before with the ingredients soaked in rum and ready to be relished come December. She loved her late night Hindi soap operas, and cried for the actors like they were her own. Feni on the rocks was her poison. Her grandkids’ chubby cheeks her pride.

She was one of a kind.

Nana Noronha was strong, through the ups and downs of life. And she had many. She was a self-made woman and taught us all to be no different. No matter the storm, she taught her children to hold on to their faith and fight. Today, I see a little of her in all of them. I see her in and with us. The Noronha siblings are like all five fingers, each different but together form one solid fist.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Motherhood, for me, is my grandmother.

Hi Peggy,

Happy Mother’s Day! Thank you for raising such amazing children. They miss you, I do too. We know you are with us and are always watching over us. You must feel so proud so see how well we all are doing, and how we all take after our grandmother.

Until we meet again.

You’re once
Twice
Three times a lady
And I love you

Today’s tune – Three Times a Lady by Lionel Richie.

Day 10 – 13 May 2017.
356 days to go.

Day 6 – Acceptance

We’re faced with grief in the form of the death of a loved one, a bad break-up, the loss of a job, a tanked idea, abuse in any form, or a fatal diagnosis. These circumstances mostly come unannounced, leaving you with tear-stained faces and empty pillow talk. You’re told to live well, and just when you do, it’s all taken away from you.

Grief has a way of taking over your life that shakes your core and leaves you bare. I am 24 and have experienced most of these situations. Too young? Too soon? Why me?

Continue reading “Day 6 – Acceptance”

Day 4 – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Today was about a group of (Indian raised) brown girls sitting in a white people’s café, enjoying their freedom of speech and life. Continue reading “Day 4 – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”

Day 3 – Survivors

Seasons are changing and rather inconsistently so. In the last few weeks, we’ve had a mix of really cold days with spikes of random warm days. My body obviously doesn’t react to the weather in the way my mind does. I am on the verge of a flu, and my shoulders and neck are strained. I feel frustrated and not in control. Also, early sunsets are not my favourite thing. Continue reading “Day 3 – Survivors”

Day 2 – 10 months

Today I complete 10 months in Melbourne. Where did time fly?

I still remember crossing the airport security gates, and thinking, “What am I getting myself into?”, “Do I really want to be alone and start from scratch at 23?”, “What about ‘the one’?“. I was excited but sad. Looking forward to a new adventure in the unknown while leaving behind comfort and familiarity. Excitement is great but the moment you feel sad about something, what is it worth? Change is a tough battle I’m still finding my way around. Sometimes you give in, other times you resist, hard. Continue reading “Day 2 – 10 months”

Day 1 – The struggle is real

I woke up at noon, still curled up in bed from a good night’s sleep. For those who don’t know, I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the last four years. So when I sleep well, I cherish those days as rare blessings. Unlike the nightmares I don’t remember, these are nights I love talking about.

Continue reading “Day 1 – The struggle is real”