Day 55 – Life in limbo…

…and the last quarter

Life feels like it is in a kind of limbo now that the semester and year is almost coming to an end. There is something about the end of the year that feels most promising but also uncertain. With university especially, twelve weeks felt like a year with so much done and yet nothing accomplished.

I’m looking forward to 2018 now more than ever because it feels like the perfect excuse for a “clean slate” — from adulting, men that drag you down and a mind that is in a state of constant confusion and denial.

Till then, limbo-o and a quarter of tequila?

Today’s tune: Tequila Sunrise by Eagles.

Day 55 – 9 October 2017.
311 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Rachael Crowe on Unsplash

 

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Day 54 – One call away

In a world driven and divided by selfish motives, corporate greed, extremist religious beliefs, radical political ideologies, online bullying, and war, embody the morality you believe in. Your wellness and that of others rests in your hands as much as it does in those with the power to implement change. You and I can make a difference to worlds that are otherwise challenging, conflicting and chaotic. Practice random acts of kindness for friends, your family and strangers. You are a spoke on the wheel of growth, development and love. The greatest innovations came from the homes of compassionate yet driven individuals. Social activists were once young readers challenged by authority too. You are not alone, your fight isn’t just yours alone.

Be the change you want to see.

Today’s tune: One Call Away by Charlie Puth.

Day 54 – 8 October 2017.
312 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Vero Photoart on Unsplash

Day 53 – Group chats

From rationing 160-character texts to instant messenger chat rooms to group chats and voicenotes, communication has come a long way. There is no better way to raise your spirits than to have the most random conversations with your friends, all at once. Personalities with their own quirks and opinions. It is never dull and you are never alone. It is your gateway to vent, share and listen. It is the doorstep to your best friend’s heart and life (especially with distance). It is in these conversations that you often tease each other but also comfort and fight for each other. Group chats are now my meme banks and reason for laughter. They are also my source to daily affirmation, motivation and love. They are a reminder of all that is good.

No filters or bad blood, only love.

Today’s tune: Umbrella by Rihanna.

Day 53 – 7 October 2017.
313 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Day 52 – Be as you are

Attractive waist lines and skin tones. Melodious voices and wired brains. Good hair and sun- kissed smiles. Defined gender roles and ideal sexual orientation. What if, in an alternate universe, everything that we’re conditioned to thinking is wrong with us was right?

In a world telling you who to be, live your truth.

We are slapped with labels, stereotypes and expectations. We are told everything we’re not instead being celebrated for everything we are. Life will not always be comfortable and there will be good and bad days. What makes life easier is when you stop trying to be someone you’re not because the world appears to be nice to a certain kind of person. You will be happier when you start living your story as it is, as you want to tell it to the world. Life will be easier when your behaviour and attitude is a reflection of what you want and who you are beneath all those layers and labels for the world. Being comfortable in your own skin is a grace. Something I often struggle with but I am trying. If anything, I know that that accepting your flaws and mistakes only makes you stronger. It only makes you happier. It sets you apart in a way that cannot be broken to please the world. It cannot be replaced.

There are moments when you fall to the ground
But you are stronger than you feel you are now
You don’t always have to speak so loud, no
Just be as you are
Life is not always a comfortable ride
Everybody’s got scars that they hide
And everybody plays the fool sometimes, yeah
Just be as you are

Today’s tune: Be As You Are by Mike Posner.

Day 52 – 6 October 2017.
314 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Alessio Lin on Unsplash

Day 51 – Change might be the only constant…

…but that doesn’t include your heart.

In a world reminding you of everything that is wrong, hold on to and fight for the good within and around you. Spread love and kindness in a world filled with a war of words and terror. For when the world ends, you will remember the love you shared not your fear or hostility. You will remember the hearts carved on barks in the wilderness or the strangers that moved you. You will remember the times that made you smile and the people who were there for you. You will remember your childhood and its innocence, not the obstacles that made you doubt yourself. When the world ends, you won’t remember the heartless moments but those that were honest and full of soul. No expectations, just smiles. In a world trying to change your heart, fight for you.

You are your hope, you are your light, you are your heart.

Today’s tune: Awoo by Sofi Tukker teat. Betta Lemme.

Day 51 – 5 October 2017.
315 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Day 50 – Time is too short

Sunsets are proof that there can be beauty in goodbyes
— Beau Taplin

The sky paints hues of warmth that speak to my being despite the chaos and voices in and around me. Knowing that someone somewhere is watching this beauty unfold with you, is reassuring and beautiful.

Wait, stop, hold on for a moment.

As the sun sets tonight, take a moment to watch the sky turn to dusk. Watch the moon blend with the purple pink hues of the night, as the wind teases your skin. Watch the stars shine against the depth and darkness of the night, and hold on to that light and feeling that shines within you, under that starlit sky.

Hold on to that. Nothing more, nothing less.

Today’s tune: Every Breath You Take by The Police.

Day 50 – 4 October 2017.
316 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Markos Mant on Unsplash

Day 46 – I need rest

I should’ve been on a caravan in the middle of nowhere in the country side, resting this mind and body, away from all the things that distract me. Instead I’m here staring at my screen with a sore neck and shoulders with too many things on my mind.

This has been a good but tiring week. Some nights with no sleep and some with too much. It’s ridiculous how drained you feel with the lack of any physical activity, let alone a strenuous day. You would think two coffees could fix this virtual fatigue but my eyes are giving way, so maybe I really should retire into the comfort of this bed cum study spot.

To sweet dreams and some rest. Hope you get some too.

Today’s tune: How Does A Moment Last Forever by Céline Dion.

Day 46 – 30 September 2017.
320 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Natalie Collins on Unsplash

Day 43: Is grief a new-age fad – what do I know?

Food for thought from one of my favourite humans, “Why does figuring and coming up with what’s wrong in our lives or even creating situations that make our lives seem bad come more easily to humans?”

I don’t know. It just does.

Lately, I have become more cynical about everything and everyone around me. My recent posts have even urged people to worry for my well-being. There’s the occasional “I think you are depressed”, or the “don’t do anything stupid”, or “why do you need a counsellor, things can’t be that bad”, or “calm and be positive” and so on.

Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s to do with being human and our unsaid attachment and love for pain. We’ve got a million things to be grateful for. I know I do. Yet, beneath that surface, there is always that one thing that upsets you. And as much as we crave for happiness, pain stings and stays a lot longer with us (with me). One thing I’ve realised is that most of this pain stems from comparison. With oneself, with others. It inevitably sets this foundation to set ourselves up for disappointment no matter the good.

Coming back to the question. Are we really unhappy or is grief the new rage? Does our generation succumb to peer pressure when it comes to feeling sad?

Yes it is in everyone’s faces at all times. Insta stories are canvases for our woes, and Facebook an excuse to vent. Snap filters a reflection of our emotions every now and then and captions a gateway to the daily dilemmas. As you read this, you’re aiding my path to sadness. Or maybe, this has to do with the content we read or the conversations we have. We tell ourselves to be grateful for life as we know it to shelve other emotions. Are we being grateful because we truly are or is it because we want to avoid feeling like shit instead?

What do I know?

I bought a gratitude journal a few months ago and I haven’t written a word in it. Not because I don’t have things to be grateful for. I do. The list doesn’t end as they flash before me right now (including “urgent” texts from my mother at this very moment and through the day; hi Ma). It’s because it comes more naturally to me when I wake up every morning or when I’m about to call it a day. Growing up in a Catholic family, we prayed before getting out of bed and before tucking ourselves to sleep. Short prayers thanking God for everything that happened and was meant to happen. The concept of prayer was a conversation in our home (it still is), and again I have my parents to be grateful for for the liberty of practicing my faith in a way that has only strengthened it over the years. That book is blank because my gratitude journal is my daily conversations with God every morning and night. Shorts prayers of gratefulness and affirmation.

It is better to be happy than to be sad. No doubt there. Be happy for those around you and be happy for yourself. And I am. But writing about things that bother me also makes me happy in a strange and twisted way. My recently pointed out that I should write about happier things. She seems to think I’m using my words (and talent) in a dark place and I know she means well. I seem to think that my words resonate with others in my place. This isn’t talent or love for literature, it’s pure honesty.

For over seven years now, my blog has been the bonfire I burn my secrets, confessions, struggles and joys in. During one of my confessions in church, the priest suggested I write things that still hurt me and burn it in flames. This blog and you are those flames.

“Why does figuring and coming up with what’s wrong in our lives or even creating situations that make our lives seem bad come more easily to humans?”

I don’t think it is about making our lives seem bad. I think it about voicing out what upsets us because, whether we like it or not, pain is more powerful joy. Pain can be motivational. Occasionally, it can be aspirational. Pain is what draws us together. I think it is about seeking out voices of assurance that we are not alone and that life’s obstacles, no matter how big or small are common to all. I think it is because it is easier to complain about the rocky road ahead than it is to accept the bed of flowers. Maybe grief is the new-age fad, maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s an escape or maybe it’s comforting. Maybe it’s easier to feel insecure than it is to feel confident. Maybe it’s is easy to be a victim than to wear a cape.

What do I know?

I also don’t think my opinion should have a bearing over anyone else’s. I think it is great to be grateful and happy or to share our lives in all its greatness with the world. I also think it’s okay to cry over the smallest fears. Some days we’re wrong, some days we’re right. Either way, most days, we’re getting through because we have each other. We always will.

You and me, and my soulful (WhatsApp) groups. You know who you are.

Today’s tune: What Do I Know by Ed Sheeran.

Day 43 – 27 September 2017.
323 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Luke Ellis-Craven on Unsplash

Day 42 – Send my love to your lover

I convince myself that I have moved on from the pain and heartbreak caused by a certain relationship and person in my life. That’s all it is, me convincing myself of something that isn’t true.

Not yet. I’ll try.

I don’t blame you for where we are today. Not for all of it anyway. I do blame you for not letting me go when I so pleadingly asked. I do blame you for wanting more than one love in your life when you couldn’t give me half of what I needed. I do blame you for giving me hope during my darkest days until you constantly had to remind me that I knew better from the start. I do blame you for ever telling me that you loved me. I blame you for your heart. I blame you for you. I blame you for me.

Telling yourself or your friends something over and over doesn’t make it real. You have to choose and decide to let go. You choose your happiness, don’t let your circumstances decide for you. Maybe someday I will choose mine. Until then, I will curse you (and my poor judgments) as I try falling asleep and bury my face in damp pillowtalk.

I’m giving you up
You set me free-ee

Today’s tune: Send My Love (To Your New Lover) by Adele.

Day 42 – 26 September 2017.
324 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by elizabeth lies on Unsplash

Day 36 – (not so) small wonders

I hate that I sound like a nag on loop but bear with me. I can’t remember the last time I slept without worrying about the next day or the day before. Or since I walked out with no map or agenda for the day. It has been a while since I really laughed. It’s really been a while!

Despite this and being away from the comfort of home, for all the days that I’ve felt worn and torn, I am grateful for all those calls, hugs and affirmations. All the days that I didn’t want to get out of bed or dragged myself from work to school and home, I am grateful for those companions who’ve shown so much love and understanding. Thank you for bearing with my lack of enthusiasm and poor communication.

It has been a while since I’ve had some good things going. More to do with how I feel mentally than the physical evidence of things going well. Yes, there is a lot to be grateful for but it’s difficult when you mind gives up on you. It’s difficult when you often see the darkness of the tunnel instead of the ray of light at the end of it. Tonight, however, does feel good knowing that I’m surrounded by the kind of family that isn’t bound by blood alone but by choice too.

Oh life, thank you for your small wonders.

Today’s tune: Sham – Aisha Soundtrack.

Day 36 – 20 September 2017.
330 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash