Day 49 – To my past demons…

…you don’t control me no more.

The past will always find a way to weave itself back into our lives. You will have dreams (or nightmares), conversations and occasional confrontations. You will be made to believe that you are wrong or at fault. You will be made to question every action and relationship. You will be pushed into having an existential crisis. You will lose faith. You will lose you.

From being naive and awkward in school to now being somewhat self-assured while pursuing a Master’s degree, what I learned is that your past will only hurt you for as long as you let it. Much like with your demons, face your past with strength and dignity. People in your present are not the demons from your past. Open your heart to possibilities and let go of the negativity. I know this is not easy because the past can be daunting – it could be school, a job, a person(s), an event, a taboo or a habit. It could be the journey from ignorance to awareness. It could be the process of denial to acceptance. I know this is not easy because it is easier said than done. I know this is not easy because history can always repeat itself. But would you rather live the rest of your life in fear of a disheartening past or in anticipation of a glorious future? Let go and seek your light.

Sunrise, sunset. Good vibes, beautiful human, good vibes only. 

Today’s tune: Glorious by Macklemore ft. Skylar Grey.

Day 49 – 3 October 2017.
317 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Nitish Meena on Unsplash

Day 48 – How do you deal with disappointment?

People will disappoint you in life. Friendships you’ve had for years will fall apart. People you’ve looked up to will not always have your interest at heart. Strangers will not always be who they say they are. The loves of your life will change and often, you might even disappoint yourself with life choices and roads less taken. This will happen at home and at work.

It hurts because you will be left with no choice than to embrace the bittersweet aftermath. Eventually, you will find the strength to accept it and move on. You will also learn that while people never fail to disappoint, there are those who will never cease to amaze you. For both these types of people on this journey of life, I am grateful. It has been difficult accepting relationships that fall apart. It has been tougher to let go of something you believed in. But it is these experiences that taught me to value my beliefs and self, and not give for the sake saving something that wasn’t true to begin with. Never let anyone walk all over your love or allow them to shake your confidence. Those that matter will find way to find common ground, as will you.

In all of my 24 years, I would like to believe that I have learnt to accept disappointment. I can’t say I have learned to embrace it and move on with ease because it still stings, and there is no getting used to it – friend or foe. But I have learned to come to terms with the fact that it will happen more often that you would like. I have learned to channel the disappointment into positive energy, heal and move on. I have learned that every person or encounter from the past has shaped my present, and I love where I am today.

Gratitude and good vibes only.

Today’s tune: The Man Who Can’t Be Moved by The Script.

Day 48 – 2 October 2017.
318 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Day 47 – You’re my best friend

I have always been most comfortable in my own company. Very content too. Friends often mistake this for not being social or for isolating myself from reality. I’m really not. I genuinely enjoy spending a quiet day by myself every now and then, watching a movie or reading a book. Some days when I feel low, I enjoy my own company even more because it is on those days that I’ve connected with the best friend I know – me.

A few months ago, I wrote about this way of life. The one I wouldn’t trade for anything because it has helped me get through the most challenging times. It also led me to some of the happiest and adventurous moments. Lately, I’ve been questioning if this very path or comfort that helped me get through the toughest times has now become my worst enemy. What if being too comfortable in my own company led me to being isolated from everyone and everything? from life?

I’ve learned this before and it’s sinking in now again. Everyone has good and bad days. And just like the seasons, they all pass. You will be your worst enemy if that’s who you choose to be or you will be your own best friend and saviour. I choose the latter, for better or for worse.

I do.

In the last ten years, there have been times when I’ve let myself down. There have also been days when I’ve lifted myself from piles of unwarranted pressure and pain. It’s not that I buried emotion or didn’t face the reality of the situation. I simply addressed the issue and moved on. There have been deaths and heartbreak. We’ve moved homes, had old and new friendships break and make up, and so much more. None of it was easy but none of it was impossible to get over either. I mean, I am here. Right?

Defence mechanisms are easier because running from life is easier than chasing it. Just because it is easy, it doesn’t mean it’s right.

I have been reciting and repeating circumstances as I perceive them to be to make myself believe that I am in a bad place. It’s the case of the glass being half empty instead of being half full. It’s not and I’m not (anymore). As I’m reading things from days before, I see that I may have led you to believe that I have fallen down a dark hole or am really hurting. Forgive my words for making things seem worse than they are. Yes, I’ve had a hard time but we all do.

Excuses and an escape – I’m guilty. I have been telling myself that things are hard so I can run away from responsibility. To the extent that I almost believed it too. Yes, they have been hard but I’ve through worse. Far worse. Maybe it was easier then because I was able to cope with the comfort of home. That said, I know I can and will cope now too because I am my homeI am lucky I was able to seek help, as one should. I am lucky that through these conversations and posts, I was able to reflect and find my way back to light.

I am inspired and inspiring.

All of this crying, chaos and confusion has taught me that the shore is always within our reach. We just need to keep swimming. I need to keep swimming. I can’t promise that I won’t make things seem worse than they are in the future. But for now, I am in a really good place and I am grateful for it. I am so grateful for you. Most of all, I am grateful for me.

Happy October, y’all. Two months to my favourite time of the year, and cake soaked in rum. I’ve got my Christmas playlist ready. What about you?

Today’s tune: You’re My Best Friend by The Once.

Day 47 – 1 October 2017.
319 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Brianna Santellan on Unsplash

Day 45 – You’ve got a friend

Three months to being in the comfort of home and within the embrace of my family and friends in Bombay. I cannot wait.

That said, I’ve had that comfort of home all those miles away too. Friends are the family you choose, and this couldn’t be truer with how I feel about my home away from home in Melbourne. I’m on my way to a party with these people I call home. No thoughts to share, just some lyrics to leave you with and a wish for you to find love like this. The kind that says…

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running, running, yeah, yeah, yeah, to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend

Today’s tune: You’ve Got A Friend by Carole King.

Day 45 – 29 September 2017.
321 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Leon Christopher on Unsplash

Day 43: Is grief a new-age fad – what do I know?

Food for thought from one of my favourite humans, “Why does figuring and coming up with what’s wrong in our lives or even creating situations that make our lives seem bad come more easily to humans?”

I don’t know. It just does.

Lately, I have become more cynical about everything and everyone around me. My recent posts have even urged people to worry for my well-being. There’s the occasional “I think you are depressed”, or the “don’t do anything stupid”, or “why do you need a counsellor, things can’t be that bad”, or “calm and be positive” and so on.

Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s to do with being human and our unsaid attachment and love for pain. We’ve got a million things to be grateful for. I know I do. Yet, beneath that surface, there is always that one thing that upsets you. And as much as we crave for happiness, pain stings and stays a lot longer with us (with me). One thing I’ve realised is that most of this pain stems from comparison. With oneself, with others. It inevitably sets this foundation to set ourselves up for disappointment no matter the good.

Coming back to the question. Are we really unhappy or is grief the new rage? Does our generation succumb to peer pressure when it comes to feeling sad?

Yes it is in everyone’s faces at all times. Insta stories are canvases for our woes, and Facebook an excuse to vent. Snap filters a reflection of our emotions every now and then and captions a gateway to the daily dilemmas. As you read this, you’re aiding my path to sadness. Or maybe, this has to do with the content we read or the conversations we have. We tell ourselves to be grateful for life as we know it to shelve other emotions. Are we being grateful because we truly are or is it because we want to avoid feeling like shit instead?

What do I know?

I bought a gratitude journal a few months ago and I haven’t written a word in it. Not because I don’t have things to be grateful for. I do. The list doesn’t end as they flash before me right now (including “urgent” texts from my mother at this very moment and through the day; hi Ma). It’s because it comes more naturally to me when I wake up every morning or when I’m about to call it a day. Growing up in a Catholic family, we prayed before getting out of bed and before tucking ourselves to sleep. Short prayers thanking God for everything that happened and was meant to happen. The concept of prayer was a conversation in our home (it still is), and again I have my parents to be grateful for for the liberty of practicing my faith in a way that has only strengthened it over the years. That book is blank because my gratitude journal is my daily conversations with God every morning and night. Shorts prayers of gratefulness and affirmation.

It is better to be happy than to be sad. No doubt there. Be happy for those around you and be happy for yourself. And I am. But writing about things that bother me also makes me happy in a strange and twisted way. My recently pointed out that I should write about happier things. She seems to think I’m using my words (and talent) in a dark place and I know she means well. I seem to think that my words resonate with others in my place. This isn’t talent or love for literature, it’s pure honesty.

For over seven years now, my blog has been the bonfire I burn my secrets, confessions, struggles and joys in. During one of my confessions in church, the priest suggested I write things that still hurt me and burn it in flames. This blog and you are those flames.

“Why does figuring and coming up with what’s wrong in our lives or even creating situations that make our lives seem bad come more easily to humans?”

I don’t think it is about making our lives seem bad. I think it about voicing out what upsets us because, whether we like it or not, pain is more powerful joy. Pain can be motivational. Occasionally, it can be aspirational. Pain is what draws us together. I think it is about seeking out voices of assurance that we are not alone and that life’s obstacles, no matter how big or small are common to all. I think it is because it is easier to complain about the rocky road ahead than it is to accept the bed of flowers. Maybe grief is the new-age fad, maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s an escape or maybe it’s comforting. Maybe it’s easier to feel insecure than it is to feel confident. Maybe it’s is easy to be a victim than to wear a cape.

What do I know?

I also don’t think my opinion should have a bearing over anyone else’s. I think it is great to be grateful and happy or to share our lives in all its greatness with the world. I also think it’s okay to cry over the smallest fears. Some days we’re wrong, some days we’re right. Either way, most days, we’re getting through because we have each other. We always will.

You and me, and my soulful (WhatsApp) groups. You know who you are.

Today’s tune: What Do I Know by Ed Sheeran.

Day 43 – 27 September 2017.
323 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Luke Ellis-Craven on Unsplash

Day 36 – (not so) small wonders

I hate that I sound like a nag on loop but bear with me. I can’t remember the last time I slept without worrying about the next day or the day before. Or since I walked out with no map or agenda for the day. It has been a while since I really laughed. It’s really been a while!

Despite this and being away from the comfort of home, for all the days that I’ve felt worn and torn, I am grateful for all those calls, hugs and affirmations. All the days that I didn’t want to get out of bed or dragged myself from work to school and home, I am grateful for those companions who’ve shown so much love and understanding. Thank you for bearing with my lack of enthusiasm and poor communication.

It has been a while since I’ve had some good things going. More to do with how I feel mentally than the physical evidence of things going well. Yes, there is a lot to be grateful for but it’s difficult when you mind gives up on you. It’s difficult when you often see the darkness of the tunnel instead of the ray of light at the end of it. Tonight, however, does feel good knowing that I’m surrounded by the kind of family that isn’t bound by blood alone but by choice too.

Oh life, thank you for your small wonders.

Today’s tune: Sham – Aisha Soundtrack.

Day 36 – 20 September 2017.
330 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Day 23 – Unforced errors

I have been trying too hard to make things work the way I imagine or expect them to be. I am not allowing them to take their own course. I am so used to control, it is making everything else spiral out of control. I must not force things, I will not force things, I no longer force things.

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

What is meant to be will be — swim, float or drown, it will be, in its own time and course.

Today’s tune: Skinny Love by Birdy.

Day 23 – 26 May 2017.
343 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 21 – You could be nice

This morning, I was greeted by a rather rushed and grumpy bus driver. He lacked courtesy and respect. He drove like he was running out of time and almost hurt the only two passengers who got on the bus. I wouldn’t discredit the otherwise warm and welcoming bus drivers who make early morning rides bearable. Some days, their kindness even adds a bounce to your day subconsciously. This guy on the other hand, couldn’t care less about who he hurt with his road and world rage.

Maybe he had a bad morning or maybe he was a grumpy person. But days like these remind me how even strangers can affect you so deeply. It also got me thinking about how we all have this unsaid duty towards the world and people around us. Watching people have a good time, in love, being chatty or happy changes the way I feel. Often during my bus rides, I find myself randomly smiling at a stranger and it’s this fuzzy warm feeling that takes over me that I’ve grown to like. It’s just a way of people of everywhere sharing their stories and lives with you through their conversations or deeds. The kind you love and need too.

So maybe be nice because you could save someone from having a bad day?

Today’s tune: Bad Day by Daniel Powter.

Day 21 – 24 May 2017.
345 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 15 – Sunrise

I woke up this morning to a pink sky wrapped in flames and I was filled with so much wonder. The kind that was bigger than me and my little world. It was so much bigger than me and my problems. It was a reminder of the things that matter and the ones that don’t. It was a reminder from our creator.

One day the sky is filled with darkness and clouds, and the other it is clear and radiates these warm beautiful colours.

Is this what growing up feels like?

I don’t know if I am ready, I don’t know if anyone should ever be. As I sit here in the bus, chasing these skies and wondering what ‘growing up’ means to me, I can’t help but think that it will always only be a part of me. Never all of me. It isn’t an end goal, it should never be.

How do you come to terms with growing up? Is it ever easy? I don’t want to worry for myself, I will always want that comfort from someone else too. But for now, I must.

Just like the skies, I must adapt.

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

Today’s tune: Feeling Good by Nina Simone.

Day 15 – 18 May 2017.
351 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.