Day 30 – Turn the page

It’s been a month since my 365 project with 11 more to go. It has been bittersweet so far for so many reasons. What is mostly liberating can also sometimes limit you. I hoped that this would help me grow, and it has. But some days, like today, it feels like an obligation. It feels like something I have to do rather than what I want to do. I don’t want it to become that.

As if the Universe heard and felt me ready to back down, these lyrics spoke to me in the background of my ride back home.

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

So, in the months to come, I won’t think hard. I will share what’s in my heart and mind, and be transparent with you. I will make it a reflection after my own. Bear and be with me?

Today’s tune: Brave by Sara Bareilles.

Day 30 – 2 June 2017.
336 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

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Day 19 – Soulful stories

We all have a rehearsed set of lines similar to our Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn bios. These are usually simple yet exciting enough, witty but safe. It is the story you know people want to hear even if it is not yours to tell. It is a story of our past achievements, our future aspirations, our talents and outward appearances. It is a story meant for the file.

Are you your hobbies or your values?

This morning, mum and I were talking about people judging each other based on what they see or read on social media. It is most often the first point of contact, and if it doesn’t match one’s expectations, it could be the last. She suggested that maybe I should tone down my blog posts and not get too personal on such a public platform. That I was giving away too much information, the kind that may not be appreciated. A few years ago, I would worry. I would worry about who read what I wrote and filter my audience due of the fear of being judged. Today, I have grown to be comfortable with myself. Today, I want my story to be heard. So my argument back was why not let people know what makes me the person I am, rather than letting them see what they think they know. Or for those who didn’t know me, why ruin the first impression? I was confident of being true to my values and I see no wrong in sharing that with the world.

I guess our real stories are most pure and beautiful because they are uncensored and vulnerable. These are stories about our journey to what got us to this point. It is the story in which we bear our souls and talk about who we are beneath the layers on display. It is the story that extends beyond our comfort zone and leaves us raw and exposed. It is intense but it is honest, and it is out there for someone to love or leave you. So why isn’t it okay to share? Why are we wired to put out something we’re not?

I have heard some of the most inspiring stories from friends who might seem to have it all together but have struggled to get where they are today. It isn’t easy but they shared their stories with me anyway. They opened their doors and exposed their lives. Listening to them, in that moment, was magical and pure. It was when I fell in love with them because I got to know these friends for who they really were and not just what they wanted the rest of the world to see. It was magical because I could see myself in them. When I heard their honest soul-bearing stories, I knew that I had to have them in my life forever. How else do you know whether or not you might like someone?

This 365 project is my story and it is 365 shades of honesty. Occasionally, it is also my (many) shades of complication. What is your story?

Today’s tune: Fresh Eyes by Andy Grammer.

Day 19 – 22 May 2017.
347 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 18 – I want to vent but…

Most of my conflicts are resolved with compromise from my end rather than confrontation. I can’t always hold up the mirror when we hit rough patches and that leads to things never being resolved. I can’t always be vulnerable because I would rather be in control.

Last night, I needed to vent about someone because things just weren’t falling into place (yes, just another one of my flaws, I know). I needed someone to hear my side and frustration before I caved in. I thought of different scenarios in which I could approach this person but the fear of conflict and hurting them stopped me from doing it. Thank God for best friends who know and understand your weaknesses (with no harm intended) and are willing to listen.

I sat on the fence (again).

My venting or rather the need for it obviously got to my best friend this time. I do this thing where I talk about the person, defend them, talk about the problem again, but go on with it anyway. So this was round two of the same problem and he wasn’t willing to listen. Apparently, I didn’t deserve the attention because I hadn’t done anything to improve the situation since we last spoke. According to him, I was being ridiculous and simply venting (again). Not being able to talk to him about this nagging feeling got me even more restless. But in the middle of our own little fight, he did raise a good point. He said maybe what you share with her might help her rather than upset her. Maybe it would help me too.

I feel really guilty for talking about this friend. But not being able to talk to her leads me to talk about her in the hope that I may find some solution. I feel it might help me understand her better. Does that make me a bad friend? It doesn’t make me the best but is it the worst? I suddenly feel hollow and childish for not untying the knots in our relationship.

What if I say too much or not enough? What if I say what they don’t want to hear?

We worry too much about the future of our relationships and often overlook the fact that it might already be rotting in the present. You can’t always sit on the rock in the middle of nowhere waiting for someone to save you. Sometimes you have to face your fears and swim across the rough waters to reach the shore. Just like that, you can’t always vent about a problem and allow it to fix itself. You have to be the one to fix it.

I choose to swim.

(and I have my best friend to thank for it)

Today’s tune: Riptide by Vance Joy.

Day 18 – 21 May 2017.
348 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.