Day 55 – Life in limbo…

…and the last quarter

Life feels like it is in a kind of limbo now that the semester and year is almost coming to an end. There is something about the end of the year that feels most promising but also uncertain. With university especially, twelve weeks felt like a year with so much done and yet nothing accomplished.

I’m looking forward to 2018 now more than ever because it feels like the perfect excuse for a “clean slate” — from adulting, men that drag you down and a mind that is in a state of constant confusion and denial.

Till then, limbo-o and a quarter of tequila?

Today’s tune: Tequila Sunrise by Eagles.

Day 55 – 9 October 2017.
311 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Rachael Crowe on Unsplash

 

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Day 52 – Be as you are

Attractive waist lines and skin tones. Melodious voices and wired brains. Good hair and sun- kissed smiles. Defined gender roles and ideal sexual orientation. What if, in an alternate universe, everything that we’re conditioned to thinking is wrong with us was right?

In a world telling you who to be, live your truth.

We are slapped with labels, stereotypes and expectations. We are told everything we’re not instead being celebrated for everything we are. Life will not always be comfortable and there will be good and bad days. What makes life easier is when you stop trying to be someone you’re not because the world appears to be nice to a certain kind of person. You will be happier when you start living your story as it is, as you want to tell it to the world. Life will be easier when your behaviour and attitude is a reflection of what you want and who you are beneath all those layers and labels for the world. Being comfortable in your own skin is a grace. Something I often struggle with but I am trying. If anything, I know that that accepting your flaws and mistakes only makes you stronger. It only makes you happier. It sets you apart in a way that cannot be broken to please the world. It cannot be replaced.

There are moments when you fall to the ground
But you are stronger than you feel you are now
You don’t always have to speak so loud, no
Just be as you are
Life is not always a comfortable ride
Everybody’s got scars that they hide
And everybody plays the fool sometimes, yeah
Just be as you are

Today’s tune: Be As You Are by Mike Posner.

Day 52 – 6 October 2017.
314 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Alessio Lin on Unsplash

Day 51 – Change might be the only constant…

…but that doesn’t include your heart.

In a world reminding you of everything that is wrong, hold on to and fight for the good within and around you. Spread love and kindness in a world filled with a war of words and terror. For when the world ends, you will remember the love you shared not your fear or hostility. You will remember the hearts carved on barks in the wilderness or the strangers that moved you. You will remember the times that made you smile and the people who were there for you. You will remember your childhood and its innocence, not the obstacles that made you doubt yourself. When the world ends, you won’t remember the heartless moments but those that were honest and full of soul. No expectations, just smiles. In a world trying to change your heart, fight for you.

You are your hope, you are your light, you are your heart.

Today’s tune: Awoo by Sofi Tukker teat. Betta Lemme.

Day 51 – 5 October 2017.
315 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Day 49 – To my past demons…

…you don’t control me no more.

The past will always find a way to weave itself back into our lives. You will have dreams (or nightmares), conversations and occasional confrontations. You will be made to believe that you are wrong or at fault. You will be made to question every action and relationship. You will be pushed into having an existential crisis. You will lose faith. You will lose you.

From being naive and awkward in school to now being somewhat self-assured while pursuing a Master’s degree, what I learned is that your past will only hurt you for as long as you let it. Much like with your demons, face your past with strength and dignity. People in your present are not the demons from your past. Open your heart to possibilities and let go of the negativity. I know this is not easy because the past can be daunting – it could be school, a job, a person(s), an event, a taboo or a habit. It could be the journey from ignorance to awareness. It could be the process of denial to acceptance. I know this is not easy because it is easier said than done. I know this is not easy because history can always repeat itself. But would you rather live the rest of your life in fear of a disheartening past or in anticipation of a glorious future? Let go and seek your light.

Sunrise, sunset. Good vibes, beautiful human, good vibes only. 

Today’s tune: Glorious by Macklemore ft. Skylar Grey.

Day 49 – 3 October 2017.
317 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Nitish Meena on Unsplash

Day 47 – You’re my best friend

I have always been most comfortable in my own company. Very content too. Friends often mistake this for not being social or for isolating myself from reality. I’m really not. I genuinely enjoy spending a quiet day by myself every now and then, watching a movie or reading a book. Some days when I feel low, I enjoy my own company even more because it is on those days that I’ve connected with the best friend I know – me.

A few months ago, I wrote about this way of life. The one I wouldn’t trade for anything because it has helped me get through the most challenging times. It also led me to some of the happiest and adventurous moments. Lately, I’ve been questioning if this very path or comfort that helped me get through the toughest times has now become my worst enemy. What if being too comfortable in my own company led me to being isolated from everyone and everything? from life?

I’ve learned this before and it’s sinking in now again. Everyone has good and bad days. And just like the seasons, they all pass. You will be your worst enemy if that’s who you choose to be or you will be your own best friend and saviour. I choose the latter, for better or for worse.

I do.

In the last ten years, there have been times when I’ve let myself down. There have also been days when I’ve lifted myself from piles of unwarranted pressure and pain. It’s not that I buried emotion or didn’t face the reality of the situation. I simply addressed the issue and moved on. There have been deaths and heartbreak. We’ve moved homes, had old and new friendships break and make up, and so much more. None of it was easy but none of it was impossible to get over either. I mean, I am here. Right?

Defence mechanisms are easier because running from life is easier than chasing it. Just because it is easy, it doesn’t mean it’s right.

I have been reciting and repeating circumstances as I perceive them to be to make myself believe that I am in a bad place. It’s the case of the glass being half empty instead of being half full. It’s not and I’m not (anymore). As I’m reading things from days before, I see that I may have led you to believe that I have fallen down a dark hole or am really hurting. Forgive my words for making things seem worse than they are. Yes, I’ve had a hard time but we all do.

Excuses and an escape – I’m guilty. I have been telling myself that things are hard so I can run away from responsibility. To the extent that I almost believed it too. Yes, they have been hard but I’ve through worse. Far worse. Maybe it was easier then because I was able to cope with the comfort of home. That said, I know I can and will cope now too because I am my homeI am lucky I was able to seek help, as one should. I am lucky that through these conversations and posts, I was able to reflect and find my way back to light.

I am inspired and inspiring.

All of this crying, chaos and confusion has taught me that the shore is always within our reach. We just need to keep swimming. I need to keep swimming. I can’t promise that I won’t make things seem worse than they are in the future. But for now, I am in a really good place and I am grateful for it. I am so grateful for you. Most of all, I am grateful for me.

Happy October, y’all. Two months to my favourite time of the year, and cake soaked in rum. I’ve got my Christmas playlist ready. What about you?

Today’s tune: You’re My Best Friend by The Once.

Day 47 – 1 October 2017.
319 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Brianna Santellan on Unsplash

Day 46 – I need rest

I should’ve been on a caravan in the middle of nowhere in the country side, resting this mind and body, away from all the things that distract me. Instead I’m here staring at my screen with a sore neck and shoulders with too many things on my mind.

This has been a good but tiring week. Some nights with no sleep and some with too much. It’s ridiculous how drained you feel with the lack of any physical activity, let alone a strenuous day. You would think two coffees could fix this virtual fatigue but my eyes are giving way, so maybe I really should retire into the comfort of this bed cum study spot.

To sweet dreams and some rest. Hope you get some too.

Today’s tune: How Does A Moment Last Forever by Céline Dion.

Day 46 – 30 September 2017.
320 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Natalie Collins on Unsplash

Day 44 – Bitter or sweet love?

Love is not meant to hurt. It is not supposed to make you feel sad or cry. Love is not meant to make you second-guess yourself or wreck your life. Love is supposed to make you feel joyful and at home. It meant to be glorious and beautifulWhat if in all this time, it wasn’t love but an infatuation with the idea of love?

Whether it is new or old, when it comes to love, you give each other everything you have. There is no shame in where you come from or where you aspire to be. With love, there is no room for a third wheel – be it doubt, misunderstandings or another person. With love, you give it your all in or nothing.

As millennials, we find ourselves at crossroads because we’re told or seem to believe that love is hard and impossible. Sure, it involves compromise and is a work-in-progress. But when you think about the person you share this love with, it meant to feel and be beautiful. It is the people you share this love with that often make it bittersweet. If you or they didn’t find to make it last, maybe it wasn’t love. It may have been something good, just not love. So don’t give up on love and don’t give up on yourself.

Someday, someday, maybe.

Today’s tune: Someday by Michael Learns To Rock.

Day 44 – 28 September 2017.
322 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

Day 41 – What is self care?

Sometimes self care is exercise and eating right. Sometimes it’s spending time with loved ones or taking a nap. And sometimes it’s watching an entire season of television in one weekend while you lounge around in your pyjamas. Whatever soothes your soul. — Nanea Hoffman

Sometimes self care is writing or drawing. Sometimes it is fighting for what is right for you. Sometimes it is saying no. It could also be travelling to a new city alone. Sometimes it is doing absolutely nothing. Self care is also telling yourself it’s okay to make mistakes; it’s okay to not know. Sometimes it is letting people see you for who you are. It is also not being ashamed of being weak. It is also accepting that you are strong.

I often feel the need to be what others need me to be. This at the cost of being exhausted – mentally, physically but mostly, emotionally. I’ve always been fine when asked, irrespective of the reality of the situation. I don’t know if I say this to make myself believe it or just to be what others need me to be. Either way, I’m fine.

Here’s what I didn’t see before – being in the now with how you feel instead of ignoring your emotions can go a long way with feeling good. You’re not always fine and that’s okay to. You will be.

Taking time to yourself to do simple things and just being is as important as fulfilling your daily basic needs. Last weekend, I read a book, binge-watched movies and tv shows, slept during the day, and read some more. As this week began, I felt a lot healthier than I have in the past few weeks. I felt like I was finally in tandem with my emotions. I woke up with no alarms or deadline pressures. I simply took the day as it was and bloomed.

For most friends who’ve struggled with any personal conflict, I’ve always told them to put themselves first. Even then, my biggest struggle has been to practice what I preach; to put myself first. Now…no more.

Here’s to doing what you need to do for yourself. Big or small, do it. Do it for you.

Today’s tune: Reflecting Light by Sam Philips.

Day 41 – 25 September 2017.
325 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Tom Ezzatkhah on Unsplash

Days 39 – Good or bad, time will tell

I thought I always knew better. I thought laying out all those options and opinions meant picking out what was best for me. Maybe not.

Maybe I don’t know better. I’m constantly comparing myself to fellow friends and acquaintances, and all their achievements. A relative term by the way. Who decides what an achievement is? You? Me? Some people know who they’re meant to be at 19, some are still figuring it out at 40. I’m at a stage where I know whatever I will be, I will be passionate. I try.

We’re constantly laying out plans and dates for ourselves. I know I have and with only a few months to 25, and I’m way off the timeline I set for myself 10 years ago. What if life as we know it is meant to be incidental? I don’t know if what I do today is good or bad. This Master’s degree, cross-country adventures, my career, my relationships.

Good or bad? Time will tell.

Sometimes, you just wait it out to find out. This is isn’t about latching on the possibility of a bigger and better future. What is bigger and better? Another relative idea really. Everything happens for a reason. The people I’ve known have led me to become the person I am. The homes I left, led to the home I’m now making. It took me a while but I now understand that every step we take is just a piece of the puzzle laid out for us by God, for the bigger picture. And it is so easy to lose sight of that big picture when you’re rushing to get things done. When you’re rushing to hang your “achievements” across that white picket fence you always dreamed of.

Don’t. Don’t rush.

We are not running out of time. Our journeys will pan out as they must eventually anyway. So it is okay not knowing once in a way. It’s okay to keep putting your building blocks together, bit by bit. It’s okay to feel confused. It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s okay to feel everything all at once.

It’s okay!

Today’s tune: Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace) by Hillsong Worship.

Day 39 – 23 September 2017.
327 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Uroš Jovičić on Unsplash

Day 38 – Sleep, is it me you’re looking for?

I am losing sleep over dreams I can’t remember. I have been for the last five years now. Our conscience is a strange place. Mostly unresolved, and clouded with memories from an estranged past and a familiar future. Some days, I wake up more tired than the day before. Some nights, I wake up sore from sleeping a little too well. Why can’t our minds and bodies work in sync? People suggest meditation and walks in parks, and more. I’ve tried versions of these, yet I find myself tossing and turning from 9 to 9.

Maybe sleep is my kryptonite. What’s yours?

Today’s tune: Hello by Lionel Richie.

Day 38 – 22 September 2017.
328 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Sarah Ball on Unsplash