Day 47 – You’re my best friend

I have always been most comfortable in my own company. Very content too. Friends often mistake this for not being social or for isolating myself from reality. I’m really not. I genuinely enjoy spending a quiet day by myself every now and then, watching a movie or reading a book. Some days when I feel low, I enjoy my own company even more because it is on those days that I’ve connected with the best friend I know – me.

A few months ago, I wrote about this way of life. The one I wouldn’t trade for anything because it has helped me get through the most challenging times. It also led me to some of the happiest and adventurous moments. Lately, I’ve been questioning if this very path or comfort that helped me get through the toughest times has now become my worst enemy. What if being too comfortable in my own company led me to being isolated from everyone and everything? from life?

I’ve learned this before and it’s sinking in now again. Everyone has good and bad days. And just like the seasons, they all pass. You will be your worst enemy if that’s who you choose to be or you will be your own best friend and saviour. I choose the latter, for better or for worse.

I do.

In the last ten years, there have been times when I’ve let myself down. There have also been days when I’ve lifted myself from piles of unwarranted pressure and pain. It’s not that I buried emotion or didn’t face the reality of the situation. I simply addressed the issue and moved on. There have been deaths and heartbreak. We’ve moved homes, had old and new friendships break and make up, and so much more. None of it was easy but none of it was impossible to get over either. I mean, I am here. Right?

Defence mechanisms are easier because running from life is easier than chasing it. Just because it is easy, it doesn’t mean it’s right.

I have been reciting and repeating circumstances as I perceive them to be to make myself believe that I am in a bad place. It’s the case of the glass being half empty instead of being half full. It’s not and I’m not (anymore). As I’m reading things from days before, I see that I may have led you to believe that I have fallen down a dark hole or am really hurting. Forgive my words for making things seem worse than they are. Yes, I’ve had a hard time but we all do.

Excuses and an escape – I’m guilty. I have been telling myself that things are hard so I can run away from responsibility. To the extent that I almost believed it too. Yes, they have been hard but I’ve through worse. Far worse. Maybe it was easier then because I was able to cope with the comfort of home. That said, I know I can and will cope now too because I am my homeI am lucky I was able to seek help, as one should. I am lucky that through these conversations and posts, I was able to reflect and find my way back to light.

I am inspired and inspiring.

All of this crying, chaos and confusion has taught me that the shore is always within our reach. We just need to keep swimming. I need to keep swimming. I can’t promise that I won’t make things seem worse than they are in the future. But for now, I am in a really good place and I am grateful for it. I am so grateful for you. Most of all, I am grateful for me.

Happy October, y’all. Two months to my favourite time of the year, and cake soaked in rum. I’ve got my Christmas playlist ready. What about you?

Today’s tune: You’re My Best Friend by The Once.

Day 47 – 1 October 2017.
319 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Brianna Santellan on Unsplash

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Day 32 – I’m back (barely)

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When this project turned a month old, I promised myself to not worry about filters or what others thought. Let’s be honest, obviously that was an empty promise. I haven’t written since. Not because I didn’t want to but because this because this felt and became obligatory. This became something I was not. The same trickled down to my art too. I haven’t drawn in months and it hurts. You cannot imagine how much it hurts but I hate that what I love (used to anyway) seems like a task instead of a hobby.

These may seem like excuses but they’re really not. They are daily battles and I am at the losing end.

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out

These past couple months have been draining in so many ways. My biggest source of exhaustion has been me, myself and I. Yet, despite the exhaustion I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere. Nowhere with work, nowhere with school, nowhere with life. This should scare right? It should at least worry me? Instead I’ve gotten comfortable with doing nothing. I have become complacent. I am tired most days and nights, and wake up with no will whatsoever. And while I’ve always loved my alone time, this time round, it isn’t as pleasant. Not at all.

Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down

Am I running away from responsibility and hiding beneath this whole pile of excuses? Am I using it as a defense mechanism against all expectations from self and others?

Having said that, a lot has happened in the last few months. I moved to a new home, I got a new job, I started a new semester at school. All this seems and sounds really overwhelming. And now, it feels really overwhelming too. The time that I get to myself, which is mostly nights wrapped in exhaustion and anxiety, is all I have. I have also started seeing a counsellor because I suddenly feel like I need to be diagnosed. It’s strange, this need for diagnosis, because you want to believe something is wrong with you irrespective of reality. I’m scared genes I thought were suppressed may suddenly take over my life.

It messed me up, need a second to breathe

I am sick and I am tired and I cannot wait for this phase to end. And like you’re going to tell me and like I already know, this won’t just end unless I do something about it. Here’s what I have been struggling with – how?

You will know how Chriselle, you just have to take that first step and be open to change. After all…you only live once, carpe damn diem, zindagi na milegi dobara, you’re the captain of your own ship, affirmation after affirmation, yada yada.

how???

Just keep coming around

Today’s tune: Whataya Want from Me by Adam Lambert.

Day 32 – 16 September 2017.
334 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Photo by Ryan Moreno on Unsplash

Day 30 – Turn the page

It’s been a month since my 365 project with 11 more to go. It has been bittersweet so far for so many reasons. What is mostly liberating can also sometimes limit you. I hoped that this would help me grow, and it has. But some days, like today, it feels like an obligation. It feels like something I have to do rather than what I want to do. I don’t want it to become that.

As if the Universe heard and felt me ready to back down, these lyrics spoke to me in the background of my ride back home.

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

So, in the months to come, I won’t think hard. I will share what’s in my heart and mind, and be transparent with you. I will make it a reflection after my own. Bear and be with me?

Today’s tune: Brave by Sara Bareilles.

Day 30 – 2 June 2017.
336 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 28 – Alive

Heartbreak can be as liberating as it is painful. For the most part, I am okay because I have been distracted. It gets tough when I am alone and staring at silence storm its fist at me. It get though when my thought drift towards what could be and what isn’t. It is tough but for the most part I am okay. Continue reading “Day 28 – Alive”

Day 27 – I booked my first solo trip

My hands are still trembling from doing the exact opposite of what I intended to do. I booked my first solo trip for a week in Tasmania. OH-MY-GOD, YES, I DID! WHAT WAS I THINKING? Continue reading “Day 27 – I booked my first solo trip”

Day 26 – I just wanna feel real love

I am trying so hard to forget instead all I do is remember. I feel like I am surrounded by darkness because I am focusing too much on the light. I am staring at the problem but with no attention to the remedy. I am not coping well, I am trying to shape a fate that is already twisted and set in stone.

Help me move forward, help me let go. Help me get out of darkness and into the light. Help me feel light.

I just wanna feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste

Today’s tune: Feel by Robbie Williams.

Day 26 – 29 May 2017.
340 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 25 – Will I ever be in the now?

I am always inside my head, thinking about situations, people and places over and over. I shouldn’t be but I am. How will I ever truly live? How do I feel happiness and freedom?

Lately, I sense that I have been getting attached to the idea of something rather than the person or experience itself. I chalk out scenarios of how they should respond rather than allowing them to be and it is getting in way of me being my 100%. I put on masks to make myself feel something I won’t naturally feel. In reality, I am just trapped in my mind, unable to find the keyhole to the path to being free. Being trapped is the worst feeling. It is the worst because you are doing it to yourself. The mind is such a tricky place, one wrong move, and the switch could be flipped for life. How do you then cope? How do live in the now?

What now? I just can’t figure it out
What now? I guess I’ll just wait it out

Today’s tune: What Now by Rihanna.

Day 25 – 28 May 2017.
341 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 17 – Flaws

All of your flaws and all of my flaws
They lie there hand in hand
Ones we’ve inherited, ones that we learned
They pass from man to man

If there were a dollar for all the times I grumbled about someone or something, I would have been a millionaire. It is my weakness and no matter how much I try, I can’t stop. My mother knows this, my friends know this, I know this. I am constantly drowning myself in the worst rather than cutting the world some slack.

What am I doing pointing out others’ flaws whilst being consumed by my own?

A friend recently pointed this out and said I should work on this. I don’t want to become my flaws. I don’t want to get rid of them either. I like my flaws because they make me who I am. They make me the person you like (or dislike). I can’t and won’t get rid of them but I am going to work on them.

We all could.

Today’s tune: Walking In Memphis by Marc Cohn.

Day 17 – 20 May 2017.
349 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.