Day 22 – I should have known better but…

I should have known better than to chase something that seemed like a fantasy, but I wandered into the choppy waters anyway, unprepared. I sought something I thought I deserved but in truth, it wasn’t mine to begin with.

Love is like the wind and you’re the sailor trying to find your shore. Like the wind, it gives you direction but it may not always to the right destination.

I have always been one to follow my heart and instinct with people because sometimes you just know. You just know know in that moment that you want to pursue someone and that they could complete you. You know that you’re willing to be vulnerable (and I am rarely willing to be vulnerable). The problem with that though is that you are also risking everything that once was for something you think might exist in the future – a risk that could end in (at least) two ways. One that could make you happy and the other other that will strip you of every emotion you once felt.

I should’ve listened to the part of me that screamed no but I chose to take the risk anyway. Sometimes those voices in your head screaming all the reasons of doubt can save you from yourself. I should have listened!

In trying to keep myself occupied, my mind kept drifting to a place of unresolved issues, so I started typing.

it started two months ago
our relationship began to crumble
I kept shelving the discomfort
but now I see it unravel

you’re tearing me to pieces
you’re driving me insane
you tell me you love me
but give me darkness instead

you want her heart
but crave my body
you say I make your heart race
but won’t come out and call me

I thought we shared our souls
maybe it was just me
all those hours of laughter and tears
was that just heat?

it’s been a year and you’ve said nothing
you tell me you can’t choose
you don’t know how
though I see you drifting loose

you say it’s all in my head
you say I got here on my own
I’m wrapped up in a dark fantasy
chasing pavements and your heart of stone

so here we are
torn apart
hiding in the shadows of our guilt
holding on to our past

is this guilt
was it a mistake?
this lust turned to love
how do I make it go away?

where is this love you professed?
where is the castle your promised to build?
were we ever okay to begin with?
will you hold me, still?

it’s not your fault
it’s not mine either
it’s just this heart
that’s grown weaker

I wish I made you happy
I wish you could choose me
maybe in another lifetime
our forever could be

truth is, I loved you then
I love you now
and if you ever come knocking
I will love you again, every minute of every hour

Today’s tune: Justin Bieber (Acoustic Set) – BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge.

Day 22 – 25 May 2017.
344 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 21 – You could be nice

This morning, I was greeted by a rather rushed and grumpy bus driver. He lacked courtesy and respect. He drove like he was running out of time and almost hurt the only two passengers who got on the bus. I wouldn’t discredit the otherwise warm and welcoming bus drivers who make early morning rides bearable. Some days, their kindness even adds a bounce to your day subconsciously. This guy on the other hand, couldn’t care less about who he hurt with his road and world rage.

Maybe he had a bad morning or maybe he was a grumpy person. But days like these remind me how even strangers can affect you so deeply. It also got me thinking about how we all have this unsaid duty towards the world and people around us. Watching people have a good time, in love, being chatty or happy changes the way I feel. Often during my bus rides, I find myself randomly smiling at a stranger and it’s this fuzzy warm feeling that takes over me that I’ve grown to like. It’s just a way of people of everywhere sharing their stories and lives with you through their conversations or deeds. The kind you love and need too.

So maybe be nice because you could save someone from having a bad day?

Today’s tune: Bad Day by Daniel Powter.

Day 21 – 24 May 2017.
345 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 20 – Big brown chair

All my (good) senses moved to my back today and are being churned with all those cramps. For the most part of the day, I functioned like a robot to not feel the pain but it’s still there, clinging to me the way I did to my mother. And she’ll tell you, that wasn’t pretty.

While I was on the bus, constantly shifting in my seat trying to find a comfortable position, all I wanted was to be in this brown chair I had in my house in Goa. As a kid, I would sprawl across it, with my head hanging over one arm and my legs from the other. In between was this couch-like seat that felt warmer than any bed. So cozy, mum and I fought over it (yes, the vices are real). The chair would fit so perfectly against your back, curled up it felt like a hug in a chair. I miss and need that hug today. That, and a hot cup of soup and macaroni.

It’s funny how a piece of furniture makes everything okay. And how even after all these years, it feels like home. What’s your comfort corner?

Today’s tune: Homeward Bound/Home by Glee.

Day 20 – 23 May 2017.
346 days to go.

Thanks for listening and if you relate, say hello, please and thank you.

Day 3 – Survivors

Seasons are changing and rather inconsistently so. In the last few weeks, we’ve had a mix of really cold days with spikes of random warm days. My body obviously doesn’t react to the weather in the way my mind does. I am on the verge of a flu, and my shoulders and neck are strained. I feel frustrated and not in control. Also, early sunsets are not my favourite thing. Continue reading “Day 3 – Survivors”

Day 2 – 10 months

Today I complete 10 months in Melbourne. Where did time fly?

I still remember crossing the airport security gates, and thinking, “What am I getting myself into?”, “Do I really want to be alone and start from scratch at 23?”, “What about ‘the one’?“. I was excited but sad. Looking forward to a new adventure in the unknown while leaving behind comfort and familiarity. Excitement is great but the moment you feel sad about something, what is it worth? Change is a tough battle I’m still finding my way around. Sometimes you give in, other times you resist, hard. Continue reading “Day 2 – 10 months”

Day 1 – The struggle is real

I woke up at noon, still curled up in bed from a good night’s sleep. For those who don’t know, I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the last four years. So when I sleep well, I cherish those days as rare blessings. Unlike the nightmares I don’t remember, these are nights I love talking about.

Continue reading “Day 1 – The struggle is real”